Breaking the Cycle: Why We Go Back to Narcissists (and How to Stop)

Dear Echo Breaker,

One of the most painful realities I faced in my own recovery was this: I went back. Not once. Not twice. But multiple times. And every time I returned, I carried shame, guilt, and the question that haunted me: “Why can’t I just stay away?”

If you’ve found yourself caught in that same loop, let me tell you right now—you are not weak. You are not broken. You are human, and you are trauma bonded.

Why We Go Back

It’s not as simple as “just leaving.” If it were, most survivors would be gone the first time. Instead, here’s what often keeps us hooked:

• Trauma Bonds: The cycle of idealization and abuse creates a chemical addiction in your brain. The highs (love-bombing) and lows (devaluing) release dopamine and cortisol in ways that mimic drug withdrawal.

• False Hope: Narcissists know how to say just enough to keep you hoping. “I’ll change.” “It’ll be different this time.” “We just need a fresh start.”

• Fear of Loss: Leaving often means financial instability, losing a home, or disrupting your children’s lives. Those fears can feel bigger than the abuse.

• Isolation: By the time you’re ready to leave, many of your support systems have been cut off, leaving you feeling like you have nowhere else to go.

The truth? Going back doesn’t mean you don’t want freedom. It means the abuse worked exactly as designed—to keep you trapped.

The Shame Trap

One of the hardest parts of returning to an abusive relationship is the shame. Society tells us: “If it was that bad, why didn’t you just leave?” Friends and family may lose patience. You start to internalize the blame.

But here’s what I want you to remember: Shame keeps you stuck. Compassion moves you forward. The more you can replace shame with understanding, the easier it becomes to break free.

How to Stop Going Back

Freedom is not just about leaving—it’s about staying gone. Here are strategies that help:

1. Create a Reality Anchor

Write a list of specific examples of the abuse you endured. Be detailed. When the narcissist tries to rewrite history—or when you start missing the “good times”—read that list.

2. Build a Safety Net

Have at least one safe person you can reach out to when the urge to return hits. This could be a trusted friend, a coach, or a support group. You don’t have to carry the weight of this decision alone.

3. Interrupt the Fantasy

Narcissists are masters at making you believe in the dream of what could be. Combat this by reminding yourself of what is. Each time you feel tempted to return, ask: “What actually happened the last time I gave them another chance?”

4. Fill the Empty Space

Leaving creates a void, and voids feel unbearable. Begin to fill yours with routines, hobbies, healing practices, and supportive people. That way, you’re not just leaving the narcissist—you’re building a life worth staying away for.

5. Create Micro-Goals

Instead of saying “I’ll never go back,” try: “I won’t contact them today.” Healing happens in small, doable steps. Every day you choose freedom, you strengthen your future self.

Journal Prompt for You

“When I think about going back, what am I hoping for? What has the reality actually been? How can I meet that hope in a healthier way?”

Why This Matters

The cycle of going back is not a sign of weakness—it’s evidence of how deeply trauma bonds can entangle us. But with compassion, awareness, and strategy, you can stop the cycle. And when you do, you’ll discover the truth:

✨ Leaving isn’t just about walking away. It’s about walking toward yourself.

If this resonated, you’re not alone — reach out to explore coaching with me.

Dr. James